.w.h.i.m.

A will that fell...

Drifting away,
On and indifferent plane,
Seeking to connect,
A perusal in vain.

Life flashes,
In a glorified darkness,
A helpless spectator,
Complies in numbness.

Deafening noise,
Yet the absence of sound,
The desire to desire,
Cannot be found.

Idealism lost,
Surrendered to reality,
A will that fell,
To the veneration of vanity.

My personality disorder

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

When we were made of earth...

I can still recount those days when we used to be made of water and earth. We were kids of seven and five. While being the older one, I used to get to boss my little brother around. He is, by far, the best support I have ever known.

Those languid Sundays, when the breeze was too lethargic to move around the neatly swept lawn, we would get to work with our cast-iron soil scoop and the blunt sickle. The far right corner, just beside the Tulis plant where my grandmother use to light the evening lamp, was our favorite excavation spot.

Digging a pond was not enough to fulfill our fancy; the goal used to be to dig a one which would be wider and deeper than the one dug before. I would be lying if I claim that the thorough beating we used to get for creating a muddy mess did not deter us. But once the iron hit the earth, and the cool water drawn from the cranky deep tube well mixed with the fine mud of the lawn, the fear of the punishment was almost instantly forgotten.

In Berhampore, the early afternoon just after lunch, was the quietest and most peaceful time of the day. It was when the housewives took their little naps, shops remained closed, the only papers that fluttered in the public offices were the pages of the local newspaper, in between sips of hot tea from small scratched glasses. Over a period of time, we had discovered this safe window to carry out our mischievous entertainment activities.

As brothers, we were relatively fair (in spite of the fact that I had added advantages of bossing around) in our conduct. While one of us dug, the other was fetching water from the tube well, the art of working which I give ourselves credit for till this day. Because of the sinking water levels, the pipes had been deepened by a solid forty meters the year before. For some reason, it came as a blessing in disguise. When we would raise the handlebar, and hang from it, much like hanging from a tree branch. Our weight would slowly pull the lever down, drawing a mug-full of water with it by the time our folded feet touched the ground.

Over a couple of hours, we would excavate rocks, pieces of broken mud-pots, random roots, and sometimes, when we are really lucky, earthworms. All the earthworms we ever found got a special, or more precisely, an honorary ritualistic treatment. They were instantly split in half, and then the halves into halves again, and so on, till it could not be divided any further. I know it sounds rather brutal in retrospect, but I assure you, at that time and state of mind, it was the most entertaining thing in the world to watch the earthworm trying to run for its life and curl and shimmer as it was split.

Drawing water never stopped, because every time we would fill up our little pond, in a matter of minutes, much of the water would be soaked up the earth below. Since we did not want our paper boats to hit rock bottom, we had no choice but to keep replenishing.

Obviously by this time, we would be relatively covered in clay till our elbows and knees. When boredom would start lurking around the corners of the garden that oversaw the lawn, we would begin our the attempts to make the excavation interesting – mudslinging. I mean literally. By the time mom would intervene and tear us apart, no part of our body, even the ear canals would have been spared. My mom, furiously burning bright red, would start the cleaning up with two tight slaps across our cheeks. We would take it jovially; after all, we had been preparing for it for the from the minute we added the water to the loose mud!

The maid would be instructed to immediately set two pans of water on the stove for heating (we were weak kids then, relatively susceptible to cold). Many tumblers of water would be cranked out the deep tube well, mixed with the boiling water from the pan to the temperature that would just about make us shiver in the orange evening sunset. Ton always went first. He was the easier one to manage – no frills. He didn’t move, run away, throw water back on mom, or dive back into the puddle while being bathed. I, on the contrary, had to be under the constant curfew of my mother’s right hand.

Sitting in the breezy fourteenth floor balcony of a posh Singapore condominium, l almost feel disconnected from the not so distant past. I wonder if in us, we will be able to preserve the bond we share with the earth, which is fading fast, everyday…

We always settle for the second best...

Lets face the facts, we are all afraid of not being good enough. When we are passionate about something, we often hold high expectations of ourselves when we are involved in it. The fear of not being able to meet our own expectations when following our passion, that drives us to pursue something next to what we are passionate about, and not the subject of passion itself.

To pursue the second best is far easier to digest and less complicated to handle. Since there is not as much respect associated to the subject of pursuit, we can easily excuse ourselves when we fall short, or make mistakes. We often rationalize it with an innate shortcoming, or disability we associate with the subject to the core. It is the inherently lower expectation we have from ourselves when we associate with the second best, that makes the pursuit of the second best so much more lucrative.

Let us look at the our choices of work, or modes of making a living. Most of the people I know who have studied engineering, and doing a faceless job are people who are passionate about something else in life. Be it art, literature, music, sports, etc, their true interest does not lie in their current field of work. They are often dissatisfied with the work, or their performance at it, but they accept it never the less.

One of the major driving force behind this choice is that it is far easier to be a no-one that a someone. We are afraid of not being able to shine if we follow our passion. Most of all, I think what we lack is faith and belief. We are not strong enough to believe that we can be really good at something if we are passionate about it and pursue it at the same time.

Why jobs, we do the same when it comes to relationships. In our lives, we do come across people who we have fantastic connections with, and who seem to understand us completely without a word being said. These are the people who can feel us inside out, and who complete us in ways we never thought possible.

And yet, most of us do not end up with such partners. This often has to do with the fear of unhappiness, of grief, of being hurt. When we are in a average / mediocre relationship, and the basic needs of a relationship such as caring for each other, companionship, sex, etc, it fills a certain piece of the puzzle of standard living. Once we have these basics, and there is nothing more, we look at other avenues for fulfillment, such as work, hobbies, etc.

Another reason why we choose the second best relationship is 'pain'. It works in two ways...you're afraid of getting hurt by the other person, because you have such high expectations from your partner. But above that, you're afraid of hurting your partner because you know what they mean to you, and how much you respect them, and you won't be able to deal with yourself if you inflict pain upon your partner because of your shortcomings or mistakes. This fear leads us to forego the best option, and opt for something less so that we don't have to deal with the fear.

I suppose there is only one way out of this naturally vicious cycle - belief. It is important to believe in ourselves, and our capacity. We cannot be afraid of disappointing the people around us with our choices. But if they are our well wishers, they will soon empathize. Life is all about choices, and we must know that whatever we choose, we're right, as long as we follow our heart.

EPIC 2014: A conjecture not too far off

Epic 2014 was suggested to me by an an intern of ours. Well, as I watched the flash movie based documentary produced by Robin Sloan and Matt Thompson of the Poynter University, it occurred to me that the future might not be too far off from how they conceive it.

Watch the movie on:

You can find the summary / time line of the movie at:

When I watched the movie, there are few things which struck me as being completely in line with the academic research / ideas that are being pursued today. I shall highlight them in the following paragraphs.

Grid Computing

Grid computing is a concept in computing where by resources are distributed across a cluster of computers connected together. These computers solve problems by distributing computational and storage load across the nodes connected to the cluster.

Google's applications run on the Google Grid. Google's search queries are broken down, processed by several inexpensive PCs simultaneously, and then combined to create the search result we see. On this distributed infrastructure (Grid), Google runs GMail, Google Docs, and many other applications of their own.

If you come to think of it, it is almost like the mainframe days, where many people would use a single powerful computer with using multiple terminals. Only now, the single large powerful unit has been replaced by a farm of inexpensive PCs, and our terminal to the grid is the browser.

My networking professor used to say that we might see a day when we plug our terminals into the wall and use computing resources like we used power from the sockets today. That day may not be too far off.

Semantic Web

Semantic web aims to represent the information on the World Wide Web so that the meaning of what is represented can be understood by machines.

Today, almost all web content is designed to be read by human beings. The technologies like Google News, and other automated information compilers use linguistic heuristics to process textual information, without having any understanding of what the information means.

When the Semantic Web comes to life in its full glory, machines will be able to process linguistic representations in a more meaningful way than it is conceivable today. Searches will be more focused and even ads will be more directed! Computers will be able to assimilate information from disparate sources and compile them into meaningful information and analysis.

Newsbotster (as conceived in EPIC 2014) will not be too far from reality then.

User Generated Content

With the advancements in web technologies such as AJAX, CSS 2.0, Web Feeds, and Flash, new websites have sprung up which provide rich user interfaces. These applications allowe the user to easily create content, and share them with individuals and communities.

Websites like Blogger, Flickr, Facebook, YouTube, Digg, Newsvine are examples of Web 2.0 applications. These applications have revolutionized how online users perceive content altogether. During the London Bombings, the latest images of the scene were shot by the people in the vicinity with their mobile phones, and were available on Flickr, even before the traditional news media covered it.

These empowered users of today will shape the online content of the future. It is, therefore, absolutely conceivable that among these users/consumers will be content creators, content editors, supported by automated content filters and aggregaters. They will be the brains behind the information available to us tomorrow.

Online Identity

When the internet was founded, users accessed the information online anonymously. When content was designed to be made available to users, the concept of credentials came into picture to give users identity.

Since then, we have seen the standard registrations and logins on websites. Microsoft attempted to create a single identity for each user which could be shared across applications. It was called Microsoft Passport, which now, has evolved into Windows Live Id. Google has integrated its services and it lets the user access all its services using a single Google Account. This could easily be extended beyond to other application providers.

Dick Hardt, the found and CEO of Identity 2.0 suggests an open source initiative to approach the idea of online identity. I recommend you to watch his keynote speech at OSCON 2005.

We now see that more and more information is being captured about our usage patterns - likes, dislikes, interests, etc., and often, this information is being used to deliver relevant advertisements, search results. Soon, all kinds of content that we reach out to will be customized based on our profile and usage pattern information.

Reflection

The strive for relevance is on in a big way. We want to find what is important to us and we want to find it fast. We will soon be delivered exactly what we need, and will hear exactly what we want to hear. EPIC (Evolving Personalized Information Construct), as suggested by EPIC 2014 is likely to emerge if we follow the chain of developments in technology and media online.

Like the documentary had mentioned, there are always two sides of the coin. The trade off will be that with increasing depth, we'd lose breadth. The onus now lies on each individual to decide how personalized their outlook to be!

References

Labels: alternative thoughts, technology

A leap of faith...

An actor leapt out of the moving frames, and joined the audience. He examined the screen with woe and disdain. New to the world he had stepped into, all he knew was that he had tried.

The world in the frames was drafted in rules scripted by an author. The world was meant for a purpose of representing an idea that belonged to the author, and the actors were created with the sole purpose of living that script for as long as the world of the film rolled.

On every run, the actors got better acquainted with the script and internalized the character he depicted beyond separation. He assumed the identity of the character, and lived (happily) as that persona as long as the film lived.

Winston Smith could never understand why no one ever challenged the idea. After all, it seemed ridiculous to repeat the same mistakes again, commit the same crimes again, or have a heart-break the same way again!

He had, on several occasions tried to improvise on his role, to make a better persona, to influence his world to a state of greater well being, but they all had been in vain. He had been punished and penalized on every such occasion, but his determination grew stronger with every disappointment.

Many screenings and unsuccessful attempts later, he realized what the other actors were not at fault. They were simply following the mandates of the director and the script writer. They had internalized their characters too deeply to sense an identity of their own; a thought of their own, which was different from that of the character.

And with this realization, he leapt out of the frames to reach out to the director and the script writer. He knew nothing of the unknown world he had stepped into. All he knew that he had tried, and that he will keep trying till the very end.

My gracious moon...

On a brisk afternoon, a languid soul wonders...
Why are the stars saved for darkness?
For they wait for the sun to set...
To find a place next to my gracious moon.

Why do you play hide and seek with me?
The gray clouds conspire with a smirk...
You do not know how I feel.
But hope shall await patiently for eternity,
For my voice to win you over.